This week has been pretty crappy. I don't really know how else to put it. I had a miscarriage. What a miserable thing to go through. I don't wish it upon any one. It does not seem real. I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. There is nothing I want more. I want to be a mom. I want Adam to be a dad. We really wanted this baby. The excitement only lasted a couple of days. We found out for sure last Monday that I was going to loose the baby. What a crush, what a blow, what a crappy thing to happen...
WHY?
I felt like I was a failure. I felt like it was all my fault and that I did something to make it happen, that I was not good enough to be a mother. I still feel like that...
WHY?
I can't seem to stop crying. I feel numb. The only thing that feels right in my life is Adam. When he hugs me and cries with me. I don't like going through this...
WHY?
WHY?
I felt like I was a failure. I felt like it was all my fault and that I did something to make it happen, that I was not good enough to be a mother. I still feel like that...
WHY?
I can't seem to stop crying. I feel numb. The only thing that feels right in my life is Adam. When he hugs me and cries with me. I don't like going through this...
WHY?
16 comments:
Holly! Why didn't you tell me?! I am so sorry...I wish I could make it all better for you, but I know I can't. We all love you so much. The girls miss you terribly and if you ever feel up to it or like you do need to get away they would love a visit from their awesome aunt Holly. Let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
Holly, you are NOT a failure, you didn't do anything wrong, and you are SO good enough to be a mother! I am so sorry that you're going through this... it is one of those awful awful things to go through, and if there was anything I could do to take your pain away, I would! One thing that helped me is that I bought a little gift for each one I lost... it helped me feel a little better to do something for that baby that I'd never get to hold and love... something that made his or her existence more real. I love you so much! Call me if you need to scream or cry with someone. I'll listen, and cry with you.
HOLLY, I am SO sorry you are going through this. It is a crappy thing to go through and you did nothing wrong. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh Holly-
I'm so sorry!! I'm sure it was nothing you did!!! There's nothing you did to make it your fault. You wanted the baby. Know that you are so loved and in our prayers!!! I know it is so hard to continue on sometimes!!! There have been times in my life where I have lost hope, however I haven't ever experienced the same thing your going through. Please let me know if I can do anything for you!!! Even if you just need to vent, call!! Lots of Love!!
Melinda
holly, hello. i hope you don't mind me stopping by. i am on apron girls and i am mindy's cousin. i had two miscarriages a few years ago. it was the hardest time in my life so far...it sent me into a depression. it was really hard to climb out of it but i was able to through living the principles of the gospel...by relying on the savior. be careful not to let it get you too down, so down that it affects your life in a bad way. learn from it but still live. be sad about the baby. but then try to be happy. and never, ever blame yourself. that is a game that satan plays...the blame game. don't let him win. focus on your sweet husband. by your postings and comments from others, it looks like you are a fabulous aunt and i'm sure would make the most amazing mother ever!! things will get better. i'm so sorry and i will pray for you.
Holly,
I am SO Sorry about your lose. I know how you feel I have lost many!! It is very hard and it was NOTHING you could have done! When the time is right, you will be blessed with one and you will be a wonderful mother and adam will be a wonderful father! I know the heart ache that you never thought you could ever feel is happening right now, jealously and every emotion on this earth. and no matter what anyone says, you are angry, hurt and horribly sad. Please know that you are loved by many and that our heavenly father loves you and wouldn't let you ever go through pain if he knew yo ucouldn't handle it! Stay close to Adam! that will help you through this. I am sooo very sorry. You are in our prayers!
love,
Allison & Mike
Holly,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is truly hell on earth...and I think it's harder when you don't have kids. Crappy is an understatement. I've been there a few times and I'm here if you ever want to talk. Having friends to talk to meant so much to me.
Seesalou and Girlsmama from Apron girls were so sweet to answer my questions through my last one, and of course Mindy was right by my side for my first one.
You can e-mail me at:
thequiltingbee2003 at yahoo dot com
I'll keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm so sorry Holly (and Adam). I can't imagine what you are going through. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to get away or talk, I can always use the company. Feel free to come/call/email anytime.
This is not your fault. One day, you and Adam will be amazing parents...and super strong too.
Lots of Love
~Robin
My name is Jenny and I just joined apron girls. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you HUGS! I have been through 4 miscarriages and it is simply horrible. Wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. You are not a failure and there is nothing you could have done. Some things are unfortunately out of our hands. One thing that helped me was to write out my feelings. I wrote letters addressed to my little ones and tucked them away. I assume Adam is your husband. Draw close to him and spend as much time as you need hugging and crying. It is healthy...we all grieve in different ways. You will get through this, I promise. It will just take time...I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
Holly, I wish there was something so profound I could say to comfort you. I am so sorry! I read your post earlier and have been thinking of you all day. I pray everything will work out for the best for you. I will keep you and Adam in our prayers.
i'm crying for you sweet thing. you will one day make the greatest mom and all the other kids will be sooooo jealous that they don't have a mom as great as you!!! know that my prayers are with you!!!!
Holly, I am sorry! I know in a way how you feel. I know right now you don't want to hear the sorry's and the it will get betters so as much as I want to say it I'm just going to say I LOVE YOU!! My miscarriage killed me inside and I asked soooo many questions as to why. Is it because I didn't get married in the temple? Is it because of decisions I have made? Is it because I am going to be a bad mom? I still ask myself that since I don't have kids. Give your body a couple months to recuperate and start again. This is only going to make you stronger, mine has. I just started the fertility medicine so start again when your body is ready and we can be doing the stuff together and hurting that way together. I love you and hope I'm not making things worse.
Holly..I am so sorry! I, too, have a miscarriages, and they are horrible. It's ok to cry!! You need to, but don't ever think that it is your fault! You did nothing wrong. I know that we don't know each other other than Apron Girls..but my prayers are with you and your husband!
I love you and Adam very much!
I love you! I hope you feel better. You are going to be such a wonderful mom. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you are so strong and God loves you. Feel better!
I'm a little late but I wanted to send you a hug and tell you I love you!
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